Part 1. In the rear
Schweik is a former soldier who retired from service several years ago because of his idiocy. Now Schweik lives in Prague, trades in the sale of dogs and, in addition to idiocy, suffers from rheumatism.
The novel begins in June 1914, after the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand. This historic event did not leave Schweik indifferent. He enthusiastically expounds to the maid, Mrs. Muller, his thoughts on this subject, alternating the story with suitable stories from the lives of many acquaintances. Schweik continues to rant at the Chalice Inn, where he is listening with professional interest to a secret police agent Bretschneider. Schweik's talkativeness and rather original statements about Austrian military policy in the Balkans lead to the arrest of a brave soldier along with the innkeeper Palivets.
At the police department, Schweik readily accepts all charges against him, including high treason. He is transferred either to the criminal court, then to a madhouse, then again to the police; investigators often interrogate and examine doctors, declaring him to be an idiot or a simulator. In the end, Schweik is released by an official, struck by Schweikov's innocent appearance.
On the way home, a brave soldier enters the Tavern by the bowl, where he finds out that Palivts was sentenced to 10 years. There he again meets with Bretschneider, who is ordered to get closer to Schweik on the basis of the dog trade.
At home, Schweik finds the doorman of a night cafe with a young lady, launched by Mrs. Muller at the apartment. After escorting the tenants and reassuring the handmaid, who thought up would be thrown out of shame from the window, Schweik returned to business. In a short time, he sells to Bretschneider, and then to detective Kalous, a lot of outbred dogs, drastically depleting the police money fund and bringing Bretschneider to the inglorious end - the agent was eaten by the purchased dogs.
However, the usual life of a brave soldier is soon interrupted - they send him a summons for a military medical examination. Bravely overcoming another attack of rheumatism, not listening to a doctor and singing songs, Schweik gets into a wheelchair borrowed from a pastry chef and drives to Strzheletsky Island. In a new cap, with a bunch of flowers, stunning crutches shouting "To Belgrade!", Schweik makes the impression that articles about him appear in Prague newspapers. Only the doctor who examines Schweik is not touched - he considers the soldier a simulator and puts him in a garrison prison.
In a hospital hut, simulators (often really sick) are treated with a strict diet, quinine, wet wraps and enemas. One day, Baroness von Bozenheim arrives in prison, reading about Svejk in the newspaper and wishing to see a brave soldier. Baroness appears at Schweik's bedside with presents and food. Food is eaten by Schweik and his companions in a few minutes, but then washed out of the stomachs by persistent doctors. The next medical commission sends Svejk to the cell.
The next day, a brave soldier with cellmates leaves for the prison chapel, where he listens to the sermon of feldkurat Otto Katz. Katz's speeches usually aroused only laughter among the prisoners, but the sensitive Schweik burst into tears in the midst of the service. The astonished feldkurat tries to find out what Schweik is sitting for, but does not find his papers and in the end agrees that this soldier should be given to him as orderly. Soon Schweik, dressed in an old, not very tall uniform, a huge cap and drunk previously with his guards in the tavern, appears in front of the feldcurat’s house in Karlin.
Katz’s service is to bring a drunken feldcurat home, to get money from Katz’s acquaintances, to get out creditors and to secretly sell furniture belonging to the householder. Then Schweik visits his apartment, finds Mrs. Muller's cousin there and finds out that the lady herself is now in a concentration camp, and a ladies' salon has been arranged in his room by dressmakers living in his room. Not at all saddened, Schweik returns to the feldcurat and serves him faithfully, helping even to celebrate the Mass. Sometimes the church cup is replaced by a sports cup, spruce - hempseed oil, and the minister - Schweik himself. The campaign altar has to be found in the Vrsovitsky church, where he gets from the sold master's sofa. And another feldkurat, pious and non-drinker, after a religious dispute remains in Katz's house until the morning and looks no more sober than the owner. In short, the affairs of Schweik and Katz are going well - while the feldkurat does not lose his batman to the cards to Lieutenant Lukash.
The new owner Schweik is a lover of animals and women. Schweik helps Lukash in his affections: he hospitably accepts the lady who came to visit the lieutenant. True, after some time you have to send a telegram to the guest’s husband and take Katie home. Schweik skillfully deals with animals: he accidentally feeds the beloved canary of the lieutenant to the lieutenant cat (the cat then eats the boot cream). The dog, which Lukas asks to buy for him, Schweik steals from Colonel Zillergut. The latest incident ends with Lukas being sent to the ninety-first regiment in Budejovice along with Schweik.
Part 2. At the front
The misadventures of Schweik and Lukash begin on the platform - there they stole a suitcase. In the compartment, the batman and the lieutenant cutting him incur the wrath of the third passenger, Major General. Shvejk, finally escorted from the compartment, with the participation of a railwayman accidentally stops the train with an emergency brake. For this, a brave soldier is led to the head of the station in Tabor, and Lieutenant Lukash with great joy leaves for the front without Schweik.
A fine gentleman pays the fine for Schweik, and he gives the soldier five crowns on the road, which Schweik safely drinks in the station cupboard. After a short conversation at the station’s commandant’s office, the batman sets off on foot to the Budejovice regiment. True, Schweik goes completely different from Budejovice, but he sings good songs along the way. And none of the people met on the road - neither the compassionate old woman, nor her brother, nor the soldiers who deserted from the regiment, nor the tramp, nor the old shepherd - can convince Schweik that he is going the wrong way. “It cannot be that I do not get into Budejovice!” - the brave soldier says firmly and falls into Putim, directly into the gendarmerie.
The gendarme officer in charge takes Schweik for a Russian spy and guards him most strictly. Peyslerka’s grandmother, who brought gendarmes and Schweik beer from a nearby tavern, vows not to tell anyone about the captured scout and at the same time about the drunken gendarme officer. After numerous interrogations, Schweik was sent to Pisek, where he appears, handcuffed to his escort, strapped to smithereens after visiting the inn on the way. From there, the brave soldier finally travels to Budejovice by train and appears before the eyes of Lieutenant Lukash.
After a slight loss of consciousness, Lukas hurriedly sends the batman to the guardhouse. There Schweik has a good time with the freethinking Marek for conversations and songs. Three days later, the batman leaves with the regiment in Kiral-Hida, in the same compartment with Marek and the drunken feldkurat Latsina. Upon arrival, Švejk receives an important task from Lieutenant Lukas - he needs to take the letter to the wife of the hardware dealer Kakon, who met the lieutenant in the Hungarian theater and smashed into the heart. The company Svejk is made by sapper Vodichka, who is starting a fight with Kakonem, who mistakenly read Lukash’s love letter. The fight continues on the street, becomes numerous and is made public. Now, the regimental authorities are aware of the heartfelt sympathy of the loving lieutenant (although Schweik claimed that he himself corresponded with Madame Kakon). Only the intervention of Colonel Schroeder saves Schweik from the division court.
Meanwhile, Lukash became the commander of the 11th marching company, Schweik, on his return, became an orderly. After a long mess, the soldiers are put on a train and sent to the front.
Part 3. Solemn Whipping
On the train going to Galicia, Schweik finds himself in the company of the new batman Lukash - the former miller, the big glutton Baloun, as well as the former pharmacist, now clerk Vanek, the cook-occultist Juraida and the telegraph operator Khodounsky. The company spends time on cards and tales. Meanwhile, in the staff carriage, officers are introduced to the new encryption system for field dispatches - the second volume of L. Gangofer's novel “Sins of the Fathers” is the key to the cipher. However, only the first volume was distributed to the officers - of course, because of Schweik, who read many books, but never started reading from the first volume.
The mistake is discovered by Cadet Bigler, a future military writer (he has no books yet, but there are many titles for future books), as well as the author of the schemes of outstanding battles. The schemes, however, were criticized by Captain Sagner and then used by the offended Bigler in the toilet for its intended purpose. The cadet has a headache and a stomach ache - apparently for this reason he sees a strange dream in which he talks with the Lord God. But Bigler’s wage is sent to a medical isolation ward.
The train arrives in Budapest, where soldiers announce the entry of Italy into the war. Departure is delayed. The decrepit general inspects the train, and a delegation of two ladies visits with a gift - twenty boxes of fragrant tablets. However, there is no real food, and Lukas sends Svejk to buy something. The soldier returns under guard - he tried to steal a chicken for the lieutenant. Paid for a chicken, and Schweik cooks soup from it, from which Baloun tries to steal a chicken leg. For this, Schweik makes him practice marching. Soon Schweik himself was practicing rifle techniques, however, even here he could not help telling, which brought the commander of the sergeant major to fainting. Finally the train starts moving.
At one of the stops, Lukas is visited by the unfortunate thought of sending Schweik for cognac. The orderly finds the cognac from the merchants of prohibited goods, but he is caught by Lieutenant Oak, who has long taken note of Schweik. The soldier has to give cognac for water, and then drink all. While Schweik is sleeping, the clerk Vanyok reads to his comrades the history of the battalion he wrote, where he presents them with unparalleled heroes in advance.
Relations between the seamstress and the Oak deteriorate more and more - especially after Schweik reports to his superiors that Oak beat his batman Kunert. Even Schweik once entered the brothel, where Oak was resting on the road, and sent the drunk Oak to a battalion meeting.
The battalion is now on foot. Svejk and Vanek are instructed to find an overnight stay for the soldiers, but at the intersection, Svejk for some reason decides that he should go not to the right, according to the map, but to the left. Travelers are divided. In the evening, Schweik meets a Russian deserter bathing at the pond and, for the sake of curiosity, changes into his uniform. In this form, the field patrol of the gendarmerie takes him.
Part 4. Continuation of the solemn flogging
Schweik, along with other Russians, is captured. He is mistaken for a Jew and appointed senior among prisoners. The soldier tries in vain to explain that this is a mistake. Only Major Wolf understands what’s what - he thinks Schweik has gone over to the Russians and wants to hang. Schweik spends time locked up in the company of mice. Then comes the military court and parting words of the feldcurate Martinez before the execution. At night, in Schweik, a major gasps in his cell, deciding to interrogate him and fall asleep.
Fortunately for the brave soldier, a telegram arrives from his regiment stating that Schweik was missing. He is released, and Schweik finally meets with his old comrades and Lukash, having caught up with his battalion in the village of Klimontovo.
